Your Sex Life Beyond Vanilla Pleasures

“Vanilla sex”. You might have heard this term before, but if not, “vanilla sex” refers to traditional, non-exciting sex, often in the missionary position. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with this type of sex, and in fact, many couples maintain a vanilla sex life throughout their entire relationships. Still, haven’t you ever wondered what lies beyond your same old sex routine? If so, you’ve probably looked up “kinky” things on the internet and discovered the term “BDSM”. Many people have a general idea of BDSM (thanks to the popular series Fifty Shades of Grey), but they don’t actually know what the practice entails. If you’re one of those curious people then good news: you can find the answers below for Vanilla Pleasures!

What is BDSM?- Vanilla Pleasures

“BDSM” is an acronym that stands for Bondage/discipline, Dominance/submission, Sadism, and Masochism. These terms might sound a bit scary on their own, but once you actually start to understand what the individual elements mean, the overall idea of BDSM will most likely be an idea you can easily wrap your head around. In fact, you might even already have elements of BDSM in your current relationship! Here’s a quick breakdown of the individual elements for you to look over before we get into actually practicing BDSM.

• Bondage/Discipline – As the name implies, “bondage” involves restricting your partner’s movement through the use of rope, chains, handcuffs, and other kinky accessories. “Discipline” references a pre-determined and agreed-upon set of rules that are enforced through punishments (such as spanking).
• Dominance/submission – These two reference the roles in a relationship, which can be encounter-specific or 24/7 roles. The “dominant” is the person who provides direction and structure; the “submissive” follows this structure as directed.
• Sadism/Masochism – “Sadism” is when a person gets sexual gratification from inflicting pain upon another person. Likewise, “masochism” is when a person gets sexual gratification from having pain inflicted upon them.

How to Get into BDSM- Vanilla Pleasures

• Determining a Direction

Before you can have a conversation about BDSM with your partner, you’ll first need to figure out what turns you on & what you’d like to do with that information. You may already have an idea of what type(s) of BDSM turn you on, but if not, it’s time to head over to the “adult” side of the internet (or your local bookstore!). There are many different resources you can use to determine what you’d like to try first, such as erotic novels, BDSM forums, BDSM fanfiction, and porn websites. If you choose the latter, it’s important to keep context in mind. Much like regular porn, BDSM is often scripted and over-the-top. While it’s certainly possible (and enjoyable!) to take things to the extremes you’ll find online, you shouldn’t aim to match these performances when you’re first beginning your BDSM journey. Use online BDSM porn as inspiration, not a guidebook!

• Talking It Over

Arguably the most important aspect of BDSM is communication between partners, so if you can’t bring up the topic with your partners then you’re not ready to try it out. Sure, it’s likely to be an awkward conversation at first, but the important part is to be honest with what you’re fantasizing about & what you’d like to experiment with. You’re surely not the only one with sexual fantasies they’re hesitant to share! Once you’ve both brought all of your ideas into the light, you can then start sorting through them and seeing which dreams you’d like to bring to life. You’ll also need to discuss “roles” with your partner. As mentioned above, “dominant” and “submissive” are the two main roles, but there is also another one: “switch”! A switch is someone who can be either a dominant or a submissive depending on the circumstances. 

• Starting Slowly

Since this is supposed to be a pleasurable experience for both of you, you’ll want to come up with a “safe word” that you can say to let your partner know if they start taking things too far during BDSM play. Choose something that you would never say in a sexual setting like “zucchini” or “barbeque”. After you’ve chosen a safe word, it’s time to pick one aspect of BDSM to incorporate into your next sexual encounter first, preferably something simple like choking or spanking. We recommend adding BDSM to your existing sexual routine, rather than changing the routine entirely. This allows you to ease into it, providing something familiar alongside something new and exciting.

• Incorporating Props- Vanilla Pleasures

As you and your partner start to become more comfortable with your BDSM interactions, you might start to wonder about incorporating props. Although it may be tempting to use regular household items to do this, it’s best to head online to a sex shop (or visit a local one) to find props instead. BDSM-specific props are made with safety in mind, which can become an issue if you’re not using purpose-made items. For example, many couples enjoy using handcuffs during sex. With regular handcuffs, it’s very easy to overtighten them and cause discomfort or even damage the wrists! However, with BDSM-specific handcuffs from a sex store, you won’t need to worry about this as much since they are designed to allow circulation even when tightened. Going to a store will also provide you with a ton of inspiration moving forward since most places have a near-endless supply of all the kinkiest props you can imagine! 

Is BDSM Right for You?

Much like anal sex, BDSM play is one of those things you won’t really know is right for you until you try it. While some people may enjoy watching BDSM porn, when sexual fantasies turn into real situations, they might find that they don’t actually enjoy being flogged by a partner! On the other hand, it’s also common for the idea of BDSM to scare people away, but the practice of it to be enjoyable. There’s really only one way to find out: you need to try it for yourself!